The Return of DBuck's Limerick Contest

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...

I present to you: 

That's right!  If you love wordplay, comedy, rhyming, or all things Irish, then this is the contest for you! Here's the way it works:

1. Each week, I will post 3 topics of the week. 
2. You will compose a limerick on any of the topics.  You may do as many as two per week.  
3. I will judge the best ones and pick a winner (or two) and award a real fake prize. (Usually something amazing I've discovered on the interwebs.)
4. Wash, Rinse, Repeat the next week. 

Fun, right?  

Let's get it kicked off shall we?

This week's topics are as follows: (write about one, or multiple topics.  Two limericks per entrant max.) 

• Working for Disney (in honor of Jaclyn, who recently quit the Mouse)
• Lame April Fool's pranks
• Verisimilitude

Now, the magic is up to you.  If you would like to know more about limerick's here is a link to the Top Ten Limericks from the last time I did this contest.  

Happy Limericking,

DBuck

LIMERICK TUESDAY XXI

Here are the rules if you need them.

Today's topics are:

1. This commercial. (and why it drives me nuts)
2. Apples
3. Super Truck Stops
4. The Trinity
5. The word "moist"

LIMERICK TUESDAY XX - The Results

Some newcomers and some strong lyrics this week.

Third Place goes to Fashion Figures who confesses to fudging the rhymes a bit, but in this judge's opinion, it was worth it.

we've run outta room for the little'uns,
and we have no more space for our minions.
manifest destiny
will set us all free!
well, maybe... except for those indians.

Your prize.

Second Place goes to The Cachinnator.

Tight black tees are really big hits,
They help to hide stains in the pitts,
And Simon Cowell raves,
He says they're his faves,
Because they help hide his man tits.

Your "prize."

In First Place - Jason, who created an impressive purgatory limerick epic, but it was his biographical limerick on a man he calls Mr. Tex that took the prize.

He goes by the name Mr. Tex
With cannons and almighty pecs.
There's hair on his back
Neathe a t-shirt of black.
Well, we think. But nobody checks.

Your prize .

Thanks for participating, everybody. See you next week. Spread the word.

LIMERICK TUESDAY XIX

Here are your topics for Limerick Tuesday XIX:

• Shakespeare
• Pierogi
• Wayne Brady
• Playground equipment (vintage or contemporary)

As always, write a limerick on one or combined topics and post it int he comments section. Good luck. (I think I'll give you till midnight Wednesday to answer)

Limerick Tuesday XVIII - The Results

Simply put.

Jared Pike.

A maelstrom of limerick glory. All four of his entries were golden.

On Growing Pains...

He came to fame as Mike Seaver
Then became a well-known believer
But for what it's worth
If it's just him defending earth
I wouldn't be Left Behind either

On Saved by the Bell...

For watching Mr. Belding teach
Those teenagers got a million bucks each
But after a few years
It bored us to tears
Their careers all came to a screech

On Lawrence Welk...

If the elderly viewers hadn't cared to call
Lawrence Welk's gay charade wouldn't air at all
But before syndication
Check this prognostication:
Their show's frickin' sponsored by Geritol!

On Celtic Women...

"Celtic Women" DVD is for sale
So I expect to see Irish chicks wail
Instead I see the lives
Of the middle-aged wives
Of Larry Bird, Robert Parish, and McHale

Jared - Your prize...what else?


While I'm bragging on Jared, this is a video he created for a friend on their birthday. It is, in my opinion inspired.

Limerick Tuesday XVIII

Topics:

Cheesy TV theme this week.

• Kirk Cameron
• Saved by the Bell
• The Lawrence Welk Show
• Celtic Women
  

Limerick Tuesday XVII - The Results

I've got three winners this week. Sorry my commentary may be a little limited but I'm directing this week, and my attentions are divided.

WINNER 1 - The Dada Drummer addressing all three topics at once:

Does God care about skin and perspiration?
Do Christian beauty products offer Salvation?
St. Peter may chastise me
But it’ll MIGHTY surprise me
If Luther was talking about THAT kind of FOUNDATION!

Well done - your prize.

---

"Holy Roman Empire got you on the ropes? Translating the Bible and mired in Dueteronomy? Don't sweat it! Try Luther! Indulge in freshness!"

---

Next up... we have two winners who zeroed in on the pit stains issue. The first is The Medievalist, who has been on one heck of a roll, seeing his third victory this week.

My t-shirt is ruined I think,
I remember it used to be pink,
But the sun's beating down,
On top of my crown,
And my pits are beginning to stink.

And the other pit was covered nicely by newcomer Three Carrots (I have no idea who you are, but welcome to Unexposed Granite!)

O God! I dread eternal pits of fire!
Saints preserve me from hellish quagmire!
But its not sin I mean--
It's something less clean--
My fearsome tendency to perspire!

Same prize for both of you. Must be seen to be believed.

Congrats everybody! We'll see you next week.

LIMERICK TUESDAY XVII

Topics...

1. Pit Stains
2. Eternal Salvation
3. Christian Make-up

As always, write a limerick for one topic or all of them and submit it in the comments of this post.

Good luck!

Limerick Tuesday XVI - The Results

This week we saw a return to form by Jared Pike. The "gattling gun" limerickster. He writes so many of them, he's bound to hit thre target eventually.

But this week you have to respect the fact that he attempted a limerick in Spanish. (in honor of Charo)

miro Charo en todos las mes
la línea siguiente es tres
apesto mi idioma
haga lo que toma
esto habría rimado en inglés

Even though I speak a little Spanish, I had to use an online translator for this one and here's the best I could come up with...

I look at Charo in all the month
the following line is three
I infect my language with the plague
do what it takes
this would have rhymed in English

That might require some explanation.

And yet, while Jared's attempt at mastering Spanish culture leaves me befuddled, I have to respect his grasp of middle-America mall culture. He clearly spent more than one saturday afternoon in the Tilt. Your prizes 1. This amazingly cool website. 2. This puzzler of a website. (What does it mean?)

In addition to Jared's prize, the professor/blogger The Medievalist claims his second consecutive win with his dual tribute to Charo and free samples.

I went to buy groceries with Charo,
Noting that things were muy caro,
But the samples were free,
And we ate for no fee,
As if there were no tomorrow.

Your Prize:



Holy Crap.

Limerick Tuesday XVI

Welcome back! Please note the newest installment of my 43 Favorite Films Series below.

As for this week's topics check out these beauties:

• Greek Theatre


• Mall Stores of the Past (Chess King, County Seat, Merry Go Round, etc)


• Grocery Store Free Samples


• Charo

Submit a limerick on any of the above (or a combination thereof) in the comments. Post early, post often. Winners will be selected tomorrow and real, live, virtual, internet, hyperlinked, not-real-at-all prizes will be awarded.

Salud!

Limerick Tuesday XV - The Results

Not many entries this week, but strong ones. It's about quality not quantity. Unless you're Mitt Romney, who could've uses a little quantity last night.

Anyway...

It was a big win for professors this week. They win not only for having clever limericks, but for creating rhymes that teach me something (as professors are wont to do).

The Dada Drummer wisely played to my weakness for Church-humor:

You know Alan Shepard showed off his golf tactic
And John Young drove the Lunar Rover all spastic
But Buzz Aldren did the most
He brought wine and the Host
‘Cause that Texas astronaut was Roman Catholic!

For those of you who don't know. Buzz Aldrin became the first to partake of communion on a heavenly body other than Earth. Apparently his little "ceremony" was going to be broadcast back to earth but was cancelled because an atheist filed a lawsuit. (if only that guy had seen Woodway Elementary's Christmas Concert) Anyway Dadadrummer, your prize, which is the most expensive ever awarded at Unexposed Granite, is the card on which Buzz had scribbled a few bible verses to read during his partaking of the Lord's Supper.
I am especially moved by the second verse when I think of the setting of this particular Lord's Supper.

The other prize goes to The Spanish Medievalist for dating himself with an ode to The Crusher.

Does anyone remember the Crusher?
Whose nose often ran like a gusher?
He would fly through the air,
With a hell of a flare,
Before landing square on an usher.

After some research I discovered that The Crusher predates any Brutus the Barber Beefcake, Junkyard Dog, or Rowdy Roddy Piper. And he was quite a colorful fellow. As wiki puts it:

His bluster was legendary, as he would threaten to maul opponents in the ring and afterward "have a party, take all the dollies down Wisconsin Avenue and go dancing."

Sweet.

Your prize is this still of Bugs Bunny facing the Crusher in an episode I'd seen, but which you've made more meaningful with your reference. Well played.
Thanks for playing everybody. See you next week, but stick around I have lots of blogging up my sleave for this week. (I may even publish my presidential election opinion.)

Limerick Tuesday XIV

Before we dive in, some housekeeping and news.

1. If you haven't already, fill out a survey. It's only 8 quick questions. It's over on my sidebar at the bottom

2. I have been invited to become a part of Baylor's best (and only) Improv Comedy Team - The Guerrilla Troupe. The auditions were a lot of fun (and big). I'm not sure how I'll be involved. I'm hoping to host some shows and maybe show up for a few rehearsals to be able to get my "improv on". But I'm excited to be involved with these cool and funny people.

3. I went to a concert at which Jon McLaughlin played and he was amazing. A genius on the ivories, he's like Ben Folds but less angry and more reflective. Oh, and he can sing. (No offense to Ben, I love Ben.) Anyway, check him out. And, by the way, if you are over 30 and want to feel really old, go to a concert on a college campus.

OKAY!!! LIMERICKS!!! - Post your entries on one topic or multiple topics in the comments section, and tell your friends to get involved. Go ahead, go to your myspace, facebook, or smoke signal fire and let your friends know about the coolest limerick contest on the web.

TOPICS

• Baklava

• Super Tuesday - The Superhero, NOT the political process

• Smells at the Mall

• Klaatu barada nikto!

• Your favorite disciple

Go to it.

LIMERICK TUESDAY XIII - THE RESULTS

Congrats to first timer CHRIS HANSEN who apparently shares my love and fear of this terrifying miniseries.

Does no one remember V?
A miniseries like none on TV!
Those aliens were crooks,
With their soap-opera good looks.
They sought us to have lizard babies

Here's your prize (a $300 value!)

See you next week, and be sure to try out the Dada Drummer's new name contest (revamped and wild!)

Limerick Tuesday XIII

Okay, I know there are lots of new bells and whistles to look at on my website, but, let's get down to brass tacks. (I'll award a prize to someone who makes up the most interesting origin of THAT expression, "brass tacks." One rule: it can't be the real origin.) Okay topics....

---

1. V - the miniseries
2. Wii
3. Eternal Salvation
4. Sterno

Good luck everybody! And be sure to fill out the survey at the top of the blog and check out my favorite films list (Parts ONE, TWO, and THREE)

Limerick Tuesday XII - The Results

Well done everybody!

Three winners this week

carver on Wal-tussin...

When your child's cough leaves you irrate,
Give them Wal-tussin to expectorate.
But I give you fair warning,
When you get up next morning,
Their room you'll have to redecorate.

Truly disgusting and worthy of praise.Your prize! (Read the "Function")

Joey on Syllabus Shock

"Essay" this, and "grading scale" that.
My syllabi stack is so fat.
My heart's only solace,
Is that Jazz Prof. Gonzales,
Didn't fill hers with any old scat.

Not only is solace/Gonzales an excellent rhyme, but you have to love the dual meaning of scat! Truly impressive. Your prize!

The Dada Drummer on Syllabus Shock (from the professor's viewpoint)...

Creating each semester's class syllabus
Is my personal Scylla and Charybdis.
I want to rock your head
Without killing you dead
I'd worry less if I quit and smoked cannabis.

Your prize!(From the website: "Looks like a pen in your pocket! Great for passing around at bigger parties.")

We'll be back next week, but come back before then, I've got some more of my favorite films ready for publishing.

LIMERICK TUESDAY XII

Topics this week:

• Insomnia (The ailment, not the film)


• Syllabus shock


• Narthex (the word or the space)


• The "way back" in the family car


• Wal-tussin

Pick a topic or combine them and gimme a limerick!

LIMERICK TUESDAY XI - The Results

Good voter turnout yesterday and it seems change has trumped experience.

Apparently, for participants this week, "Turn it up to eleven" means "To hell with meter and rhyme scheme". This was the week of the anti-limerick, where people blatantly spurned the traditional rhythm and rhyme of limericks.

I've got three HONORABLE MENTIONS and a WINNER this week.

HONORABLE MENTION GOES TO:

Jared Pike: (Who was recently described by a friend as the Lebron James of Limerick Tuesday)

Instantly joining heaven's troop
Are the nursery attendants group
Treasures in heaven?
Shirt change number seven
Here's your crown; it's covered in puke

A compassionate tribute to the nursery worker. And now a slightly different perspective FROM the nursery worker...

Our next HONORABLE MENTION goes to first time participant the cachinnator: (who has a fine blog of his own here)

Your kid just pissed a Lake Erie,
My lap is now covered in hot pee,
And now I will wager,
You're ignoring the pager,
COME GET YOUR DAMN KID OR SO HELP ME!

And lastly an HM for carver:

Spinal Tap could crank it up to eleven,
But oddly all their drummers ended up in heaven.
And just like the boys from the band,
I share with them something grand:
On certain days, we eat bread that is unleaven.

He clearly knows the film, and his rhyme and rhythm are strong. Well done.

Just for the record here's my limerick:

Obama inspires cheers and howls
While Hilary couldn’t move her own bowels
McCain holds a grudge
Mitt’s hair just won’t budge
And Fred’s support is lower than his jowls

And finally, this week's WINNER is Jason:

To Dad I'm a democrat flunkie.
To Wife I'm her smart little hunky.
At parties I float
Witty stories of note,
Cause I'm just an NPR junkie.

I swear he was writing about my own life. Although I know a little about Jason's father and WOW! For him this limerick is TRUTH! Here's your prize.

Well done everybody! See you next week.

LIMERICK TUESDAY XI

Welcome back. I hope you enjoyed our top ten. And now it's time to turn it up to eleven.

Topics:

• This is Spinal Tap


• Fred Thompson


• The Shmoo


• Church Nursery Duty


• NPR

Pick one or combine all. Good luck!

LIMERICK TUESDAY'S TOP TEN

Congrats to everybody! You're all brilliant, but these ten (eleven, really) have been selected by a group of peopleI consider smart and funny. Well done all.

10th PLACE (Two-way tie)

On the topic of Christmas Movies (Specifically, Jack Frost, Jingle All The Way, It’s a Wonderful Life, and Scrooged )
By Jared Pike

In "Die Hard," the stunt work's ornate
And "Wonderful Life"
might be great
But the pic of the year
Is "Scrooged," and it's clear
That the reason is Bobcat Goldthwait

On the topic of Transubstantiation
By Jim Janknegt

The Baptists sing, "Let your light shine"
It's for Jesus's presence they pine.
They pray to the air
When He's actually there
Body and Blood in the Bread and the Wine.

9th PLACE

On the topic of Christmas Movies (Specifically, Jack Frost, Jingle All The Way, It’s a Wonderful Life, and Scrooged)
By Brian Bateman

The days of James Stewart have passed
Mike Keaton’s career ended fast
Die Hard tried to thrill us
(What you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?)
And Arnold stopped acting at last

6th PLACE (3-way tie)

On the topic of the Left Behind book series:
By Dan Buck

I once read a book by Lahaye
That told the story of Earth's last days
but his theological woes
are worse than his prose
In Heaven he'll room with Thomas Kincaid.

On the Emergent Church:
By Brian Bateman

Our church changed liturgical roots:
On Sundays, no dresses or suits.
The candles are hip;
As a side benefit,
We lost all our crotchety coots

On McDonald’s Monopoly:
By Dan Buck

I stomach foods that defy my dietary code
All in the hopes of hitting the mother load
But after gaining a ton
All I've really won
Is McDiarreah and 32 Reading Railroads

5th PLACE

On topic of “Chee-tohs”
By lindsay e.

I simply can't dote on a cheeto
without showing love to a frito
and then there are lays
I could eat those for days
and let’s not forget the dorito.

4th PLACE

On the Topic of urinal etiquette:
By Jared Pike

Any man's got to know what it takes
To shower those urinal cakes
But Dad always told me,
"Don't pee so boldly;
You'll go blind with more than three shakes."

2nd PLACE (two-way tie)

On the topic Thanksgiving Dinner:
By Carver

Thanksgiving Day at the girlfriend’s house,
In her room, we’re quiet as a mouse,
Her folks like me well,
But her father would yell,
If he saw my hand under her blouse.

On the Topic of Biscotti:
by DadaDrummer

I was dining in Rome with Pavarotti
We had pasta and shared a hot toddy.
After tiramisu
I said “I love you”
And that’s when he showed me his biscotti.

AND THE FIRST PLACE LIMERICK (as voted by judges)....

On Halloween:
By Brian Bateman

We reject all this Halloween rot!
As Christians we’ve always been taught
To avoid worldly rites;
We’re at church on that night—
So our neighborly contact is naught

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!!!
Look for LIMERICK TUESDAY XI on Jan. 1st, 2008!

LIMERICK TUESDAY X - The Results

Well done everybody. The Top Ten will be posted next Tuesday - my little Christmas present to you all. You can still vote for the best -- or your own -- limericks here.

And for this week's winners...

Two limericks both dedicated to the Dudley Moore/Bo Derek Film "Ten"

The Medievalist...

There once was a ten named Bo Derek,
whose looks were quite esoteric,
She hooked up with a Moore,
Which was really a bore,
But the Bolero was almost Homeric.

Well done Medievalist... your prize.

And secondly...
Brian Bateman ...

I cannot recall being ten;
My memory’s faded since then.
Recollection is muddly
On Pearl Jam and Dudley,
But I remember Bo’s shiny, wet skin!

And for Brian... this GEM of a prize.

We won't have a contest next week, just a posting of the top ten limericks.